The gym is open

Ranma walks into the gym. A musky scent of battered faces and bruised ribs fills his nostrils. He approaches a punching bag.

He gingerly taps it with a fist. It doesn't move. He punches a bit harder. It sways slightly. Suddenly a flurry of punches makes contact with the back knocking it here, there, to, fro. Ranma dances around it wildly throwing punches high and low.

The punching bag begins to writhe and wiggle as the punches become more fierce. Suddenly and violently Tansut rips himself out of the bag and collapses onto the floor breathing heavily, covered in blood.

After what seems like several minutes of panting he hauls himself to his feet and gives a wink and a nod to Ranma.

Tansut: You're getting pretty good at Sneak Attack, next time I won't be so careless!

He shakes Ranma's hand a la the macho handshake from Predator.

The two age-old friends hands remained locked in the exceedingly macho handshake thing.

Ranma: You and I are of a kind Tansut. We don't take crap from anyone! We're men's men, and proud of it. What say you to a friendly sparring match? To the winner, honor and pride. To the loser, both physical and moral defeat.

Tansut: Indeed! I believe the fellows around here could learn a thing or two or three or four or five or six or seven or eight or nine from the burliest of the burly!'

They laugh heartily. Windows and everything else in the room not bolted down tremble from the bass.

Tansut: Now, what say you about the rules: Chicago Alleyway or New York Subway?

How about a real test of our strength? I say we spar by Calcutta rules!

Suddenly their poorly masked sexual tension is torn by the loud sound of a woman's scream. Both Tansut and Ranma turn, stunned to see Shroomsday standing naked in the door way. His rippling, hairy form seemed to embody all that a man's man could stand for in this world, and as he strode forward, the two spectators showed him the mutual respect of not sodomising him there and then.

Shroomsday: Hello good sirs.

Ranma: What was that scream just now? Have you brought a woman to this most manly of gyms in all of penisberg?!

Shroomsday: No no, that was me. I was using the giant muscle bound man's room to relieve myself, and got my love cannon caught in my zipper.

The three of them find themselves locked in wondering how such an event could happen to a naked man, only to shrug it off.

A loud booming voice comes through the refrigerator in the gym manager's office.

Anonymous: 'OPEN THIS DOOR!'

Three small, feeble security guards rush forward and open the refrigerator door. A red carpet unfurls over the front of the refrigerator and a large ice-block slides across the gym, fueled by blood, sweat and steroids, hitting Tansut in his foot.

Anonymous: Down here, look at me when I speak to you. You look at me when I speak to you.

Looking down, the three look down to see the face of Irving Skippington, the former heavyweight boxing champion of Switzerland.

Shroomsday: What happened to you, Mr. Skippington sir?

Tansut uncontrollably wails and clutches Ranma's shoulders, sobbing hysterically. Ranma wraps his arms around Tansut and gnaws on Tansut's scalp for comfort.

Irving: I was diagnosed with an especially-rare disorder and paid to be cryogenically frozen. Oh schinkeys, I AM hideous!

Ranma releases Tansut and wipes his eyes.

Ranma: I'm not sure why but that was really scary. I'm okay now though. So, are we still sparring or what? And if so, who's gonna get in on the action? Looks like we have a potential four-way fight here.

Ranma realizes that no one is listening to him.

Ranma: Hey guys I'm trying to say something here.

Grimm: ...and then he made this awful dress that looked like it was tailored for a patchwork doll or something.

Ranma: Oooh! Are you guys talking about Project Runway?! Don't talk about it without me!!

Their competitive nature prodded, the three men immediately talk as fast as possible, quickly becoming gibberish and progressively louder.

Ranma: STOP IT!

Tansut: FABULOUSFABULOUSFAbulo...

At this moment Tansut realises everyone's stopped talking. Without another word they all attack one another, Shroomsday grabbing his crotch rope and using it for an intimidating jump rope routine as he closes in on his opponents.

Tansut: SUPER CYCLONE STRIKE!

*Tansut straightens his arms out, hands clenched tightly into fists, he begins spinning around faster and faster as he makes his way towards the brawl*

Tansut: Oh, uh-...Oh God...

*He blinks rapidly and takes a few breaths before vomiting violently as he continues spinning, his direction seemingly dicated by where his wobbly legs take him. He weeps while spewing, desperately wanting to stop but too manly to even momentarily stop spinning*

As action explodes around him Ranma quietly slips off into the adjoining exercise room. He mounts one of the stationary bikes and begins to pedal fiercely. As the RPMs increase, the bike sways to and fro until finally it breaks from it's frame and goes screeching into the gym.

RANMA: BIG BICYCLE ATTACK!!!

Screaming like a madman, Ranma yanks the bike into the air and aims it directly at the whirling, vomiting Tansut. However, his aim a bit off, Ranma crashes through the gym window and out into the street.

A fat man screams, dropping his hot dog and squirting mustard all over Ranma's face. Ranma can't hold back the tears, sobbing as the sparks from the bicycle burn and sear his legs.

Tansut runs down the street after him, gripping two racquetball handles to pull Ranma off.

Tansut: Ranma, hold on! I'll save you.

Ranma: Oh god, get me off this crazy thing!

Doomsday stands in the gaping hole of the gym wall, clutching a broken telephone. The police have slit all the phones in the creaky old gym because there's too many 911 calls about faulty equipment. Grimm slowly etches forward, leaving a nice slick pool of water behind him.

The two sigh and slowly use their corrosive saliva to break down the rest of the wall, licking all of the concrete into a puddle. The repairs would be too expensive, it's better to just expand.